Anna Lownethal
Q: Dear Anna, I can’t stand living with my roommate anymore. What should I do?
A: Well, if you’re no longer capable of occupying the same space with this person, you need to get out. There are a number of ways to get yourself out of a sticky roommate situation, but above all, make sure you’re tactful about it.
By tactful, I mean starve them out. Blast your music. Keep the lights on until three in the morning. Annoy them to the point of almost-insanity and they’ll be begging you to take their set of keys back.
Another one of the many ways to rid your life of that pesky roommate is to gross them out of your room. Start a collection of laundry, dishes, trash – anything unappealing, and hoard it in your space. Let it overtake the room. Soon, things will get so gross, they’ll have no option but to leave, and you’ll get to keep your temporary homestead while they gladly pack their boxes and vacate your space.
If you can’t gross them out, scare them out. Grab yourself a couple of witchcraft books and see what you can brew in your room. Make sure you know their schedule so that they can come in at the most opportune time— while you’re conjuring the souls of the dead. Hang a few satanic symbols around your bed to brighten up the place. You’ll be living alone soon, no doubt.
Honestly, though, if you’re in a situation where you need to remove yourself from your roommate, the best thing for you to do is talk with them about your issues. Going through a move mid-semester or mid-year is a lot of a hassle, and it could be saved with a simple conversation instead of an elaborate, possibly dangerous plan to oust them from your room.
Understand that having a roommate also means being a roommate, and there are some things you’re just going to have to put up with, no matter how much they grind your gears. That being said, there are certain circumstances where the best option is simply to remove yourself from the person you’re living with. If that’s the case, make sure you do so calmly, professionally and with (at least a little) integrity.