It’s definitely been a while since we talked about my favorite reality television franchise, The Bachelor(ette). Tayshia Adams’s season ended with the usual tears and heartbreak. She narrowed her Final Four down to Ben Smith, Brendan Morais, Zac Clark and Ivan Hall, all of whom were fan favorites and projected to make it pretty far throughout the show. Hometowns came and went, as did the ever-intimate fantasy suite week, and ultimately Tayshia and Zac got engaged. From what the internet tells me, the two are still happily in love and together, thus wrapping up Season 16 of The Bachelorette.
Two weeks after that dramatic season finale, Season 25 of The Bachelor premiered with newcomer Matt James. Matt is a Bachelor franchise virgin, having never been a contestant on The Bachelorette or any other Bachelor-related show. Here’s a quick recap and some highlights from the last three episodes in case you’ve missed it…
Episode 1: Matt Meets His Matches
- Katie came out of the limo with a bright purple vibrator. And yes, it stayed on the table while Matt led the whole group in a prayer.
- The vibrator was given the nickname MJ – not to be confused with the contestant named MJ, whose first impression was getting Matt a pizza. Cheesy? Absolutely.
- Abigail is a deaf financial manager, who blew the competition out of the water by getting the first impression rose and the first real kiss of the season.
- Victoria came out wearing a crown and announced herself to be the “queen”. While the whole “royalty” schtick is over the top and Victoria seems to be a royal pain in the ass, the best line of the night came from when she interrupted a conversation between Matt and Kit: “Move over princess, the Queen is here.” Big Oof!
- Out of the girls who get an actual introduction with a backstory, Alicia the Ballerina from New York had the most potential. She’s gorgeous, talented, smart, and funny – and Matt sent her home. What an idiot.
Episode 2: A Royal Paintball Wedding
- Bri gets the first one-on-one date! She fell off her ATV and got mud all over her outfit, but still managed to makeout with Matt in the hottub and secure her date rose.
- Sarah also had a one-on-one and took it to the skies. After an intimate plane ride, she opened up about her hesitations of coming onto the show. Her father is suffering from a terminal illness back at home, which only heightens Sarah’s anxieties about the show.
- The group date started off as a cute photo shoot where the women tried on wedding gowns and posed with Matt.
- When Victoria leaned in to kiss Matt, he kept his eyes open and looked as uncomfortable as a fart in a fan factory. (You see, Matt is from North Carolina, so he would understand this common southern phrase better than all y’all Yankees.)
- Just when the girls thought their beautiful white gowns were safe from grass and mud stains, Chris Harrison and Franco the photographer armed the girls with paintball guns for a quick game of Capture the Heart. Franco himself got caught up in the mix, ruining his leopard print fur coat and bright pink tuxedo. What a travesty.
- As if this episode couldn’t get any more dramatic, Sarah, who had already gotten her rose, fainted at the rose ceremony. And that’s where the episode left off. Gotta love those cliffhangers…
Episode 3: 50 Shades of Bachelor
- This week’s group date opened with Ashely I., a Bachelor franchise alum, reading a steamy, sexy narrative. As if that wasn’t shocking enough, Ashely revealed that this erotica was actually written by our one and only Chris Harrison! If my next paycheck from The Argus doesn’t cover the cost of buying this book for my own…ummm…research, my Venmo is @SarahBee4 and I am happily taking donations.
- Following Chris’s lead, the women on the group date had to write their own erotica, starring themselves and Matt. Some kept it pretty vanilla, and some took it to the extreme. Victoria, extravagant as always, had about half of her narrative censored when she read it outloud on air. Again, for “research purposes”, I would really like to obtain a copy of everyone’s writings.
- Sarah, who was not invited on the group date, crashed anyway. And continued to interrupt conversations with women who had earned the group date. And, before the next morning’s one on one, she pulled Matt aside for even more anxiety-reducing quality time. Fainting at a rose ceremony is one thing – but interrupting other women’s time with Matt, especially on a date she wasn’t included on, takes it a step further.
- Katie and Sarah had a little chat about Sarah’s behavior. Sarah’s apology seemed genuine, and Katie (yes, the vibrator girl) was mature enough to handle the conversation like a grown ass woman, unlike the other girls in the house. Ultimately, Sarah decided to send herself home in order to spend time with her dad.
- Serena P. got the one-on-one, where she got to teach Matt how to make a charcuterie board on a rustic farm hillside. They were repeatedly interrupted by Sarah – I mean, a donkey, who photobombed some cute selfies.
The Bachelor airs on ABC every Monday at 7pm. If you miss it then, you can always catch it the next day on the ABC website or Hulu. You bet I’ll be sticking around for next week’s dramatic episode…