Gobble, gobble up this week’s horoscopes

By James Stein Nov 19, 2021

Aries (March 21st – April 19th):

Emotionally prepare yourself for having to go a week without Wing Wednesday during Thanksgiving Recess. I know, I know, it’s gonna be hard for us all. But I believe in you. You can do this. 

 

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th):

It’s getting colder but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the outdoors. Go take a walk around Franklin Park and imagine you’re a rich socialite living in one of those houses that drinks cosmos, frames their husband for murder and always has the newest iPhone. The dream life. 

 

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th):

Pull some pranks on your friends! Bubble wrap their stuff, put salt in their coffee, frame them for murder! Go crazy, have fun 🙂

 

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd):

Remember. Cannibalism is illegal. If you get caught. 

 

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd):

Half-ups/half-downs just make you look like a cheerleader who peaked in high school. Avoid premature balding and let your hair down. 

 

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd):

Highlighting your text doesn’t mean you’re studying. You’re just adding pretty colors to words you don’t know. 

 

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd):

Please remember to grab your airpods before you leave the Presser pit, otherwise next time I will eat them. 

 

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st):

Hitting the bottom of your munch money doesn’t mean to dip into your bank account now. Put back the ice cream and avoid the coffee shoppe before you’re in debt. 

 

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st):

To get you through this last stretch before Thanksgiving recess, check out Miller Park Zoo this weekend for a brief ‘adventure’. 

 

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th):

I think if you start baking to cope with your stress you’ll find a way to make the hydrogen bomb. Go to therapy. 

 

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th):

Please stop trying to integrate Tik Toks into everyday conversations and touch some grass. 

 

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th):

Taking night time walks isn’t cute and quirky. You can look at the moon from your window without the threat of stalkers. 

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