The Argus’ finals week survival guide

By James Stein Dec 3, 2021

Aries (March 21 – April 20):

Drinking black tea still counts as drinking caffeine even though it’s tea. Try water and a nap.


Taurus (April 21 – May 20):

Maybe it’s time to take your own advice and practice a little selfcare. And no, hyper-managing your friends selfcare does not count. 


Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

Now is not the time to pretend like your problems don’t exist. Just get overly anxious about seeing your family for winter break so finals don’t seem as big of a deal. There. Problem solved. 


Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

Yes, we get it, you’re on your sixth mental breakdown of the week. Maybe if you actually ate something you’d cheer up for once. 


Leo (July 23 – August 22):

Your time has come. Once finals are over and now you can finally throw the rager of a lifetime. Just make sure your earth sign friend is there to hold your hair at the end of the night. 


Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

You don’t need to take more Advil for that headache, you need to let your hair out of that life threateningly tight ponytail and allow the blood flow back into your skull. 


Libra (September 23 – October 22):

No, you are not allowed to get an IV drip of straight black coffee so you can stay up for five consecutive days. You’re going to get a weighted blanket, a Ghibli movie and you’re going to like it


Scorpio (October 23 – November 22):

Your laptop screen does not count as getting vitamin D. Go outside. Even if it’s just moving from one building to another. 


Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21):

To celebrate finals being over, throw a Taylor Swift themed party and dress up like hipsters.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

Congrats on going to therapy this week! Now maybe try actually implementing some of the skills you learned, alright?


Aquarius (January 20 – February 19):

Shut up about how stupid you are while also getting As and Bs. Some of us are actual idiots here and you’re ruining our image. 


Pisces (February 20 – March 20):

You’re not a “homebody,” you’re bordering on agoraphobic. There’s nothing to fear when you leave your dorm. Well, except for the musical theatre majors. On second thought maybe you should stay inside.

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