The seedy, spermy underbelly of IWU, exposed

By admin Apr 21, 2015

The Campus Conspiracist, Staff Writer


Good students of Illinois Wesleyan University, I’m sure that you’ve all noticed the strange noises coming from the newly defunct Shaw Hall late at night. Now, rumors abound about the sources of these noises, but I’m here to put such confusion to bed. The source is not, as you may have been told, an old heating and air-conditioning unit. Nor is it the theatre workshop that supposedly occupies the basement of Shaw Hall. No, that inane and consistent thumping noise is the source of IWU faculty and staff abusing their secret stash of cardio equipment-equipment earmarked long ago for the Shirk Center.

That’s right, our long-standing complaints about the lack of treadmills in Shirk haven’t fallen on deaf ears – they’ve fallen on ears that simply don’t care. Instead of giving the treadmills and other cardio equipment so desperately needed in the Shirk Center to the public, the shady cabal of IWU rulers has appropriated these devices for their own nefarious purposes.

Now, nobody seems to know quite how these treadmills are being utilized, but I suspect their purpose is to develop muscle mass the likes of which have never been seen. Of course, appalling rumors have reached my ears, but the truth remains unclear even to me. Sources have reported that more than five treadmills and three ellipticals have been secreted away in Shaw Hall, and that IWU employees have been granted access to a secret entrance (we all know about the hidden tunnel that connects Holmes and Shaw Halls) that allows them to use this equipment – our equipment – at their own convenience.

Second, I imagine that by now, you’ve certainly noticed the new sculptures gracing our beautiful quad. If you haven’t, well…try to get some sun tomorrow. Of course, everybody has their own opinion of our new art collection, but that’s beside the point here. You’ve probably been told that the sculptures are part of a traveling art exhibition, an exhibition that was invited to IWU to help beautify our campus and showcase our appreciation of the fine-and sometimes bizarre-arts. I can tell you: this is the truth, but it isn’t the whole truth.

What you don’t know – and trust me, IWU student, there is plenty about this campus that you don’t know – is that this exhibition was invited to campus for another reason. The real purpose behind the sculptures is to assist in the education of our valued first-year biology majors on campus. We all know how difficult General Biology can be, and that it’s even more of a challenge to get accepted into med-school. Knowing this, the administration welcomed this set of sculptures with open arms, with much encouragement from the biology department, of course. Their hope is that the exhibition, a sizable portion of which represents the reproductive system, will assist young students in the classroom. Students walk daily from classroom to classroom, building to building, all while being constantly hounded by chrome representations of the miracle of life. In fact, it seems impossible to avoid them.

Of course, this serves the goals of the University quite well. No matter where those pre-med students go, they’ll always be reminded of the myriad complexities of human biology, hopefully driving them to study and work harder, increasing their chances of acceptance into a top-notch school. I’ll leave just one friendly note for our aspiring doctors: Keep in mind, the sculptures aren’t erected to scale.

I’m no leader, and I won’t serve as the figurehead of your treadmill-reclamation campaign, but you have a right to be made aware of all the secret dealings that take place on the IWU campus and across the Bloomington-Normal area. If the revelation regarding the sculptures shocked you, you should understand now that you have a right to be made aware of all the secret dealings that take place on the IWU campus and across the Bloomington-Normal area. If you want to learn more about these conspiracies, or know of a secret that needs to be shared with the world, simply send an email to Students need to know the truth, and you can help expose it.

By admin

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