Last Tuesday, Governor DeWine of Ohio advocated for the passage of Senate Bill 158, a bill currently in the state legislature. This bill is not only a great idea but also a stepping stone to a much safer and greater Ohio.
Senate Bill 158 calls for a ban on cell phones in the classroom, citing on their website that “the constant distraction of cell phones makes it nearly impossible for students to focus and learn. Not only do they negatively impact student performance, but they can also be harmful to kids’ mental and emotional health.”
Considering the severe emotional impact these devices have, I’m surprised DeWine would settle for confiscating cell phones in just the classroom. I would not leave this task only in the hands of Ohio’s educational department. The great state of Ohio needs to deploy its state military as soon as humanly possible, go door to door and confiscate these terrible devil machines that are corrupting our youth.
And after all the cell phones have been confiscated, they can round up their equally dangerous computers, rock-n-roll CDs and those Nintendos. Calculators and watches can connect to the Internet now, so we might want to take them as well. We can’t be too careful here.
After we have removed all these students from their dangerous online presence, I think Ohio will start to see countless great changes.
Everyone knows that the presence of violent video games and movies in a household has a direct correlation to school shootings. Without them, school shootings will drop to zero in the Buckeye state. Even if somehow, somebody still is prompted to take their (perfectly legal and constitutionally protected) rifle to a school, the students won’t have phones anyway, so then they won’t be able to report any shooters! What was once a state in the top-5 for school shootings over the last decade has now become the safest state in America, all because somebody finally had the balls to take away those damn screens.
And, without phones, Ohioan taxpayer money can stop going toward hippie causes like “mental health resources.” Everyone knows the day that Steve Jobs unveiled the first iPhone, mental illness spiked by 10,000 percent. If he hadn’t tried to fix something that wasn’t broken, we never would have had this issue. It’s about time we made things right. Send us back to the stone ages.
I hope Senate Bill 158 passes, unanimously preferably. It is the final step in Making Ohio Great Again, and following its passage, we can finally get down to worrying about actual important things.
Did we ever find out who was eating the cats and dogs again? We should probably get on that.
