Aries, March 21st – April 19th:
Give your girlfriend and dog more smooches. If you don’t have either, well. . .tough.
Taurus, April 20th – May 20th:
If half your friends don’t even know about the new guy in your life. . .maybe he isn’t the one.
Gemini, May 21st – June 20th:
Take the time this week to be generous. But don’t expect to be repaid in kind. That’s not what generosity is about.
Cancer, June 21st – July 22nd:
Instead of memorizing when the squishmellows get restocked at Five Below, maybe memorize your assignment due dates.
Leo, July 23rd – August 22nd:
“Self care” isn’t just doing a face mask. It’s also about deep self introspection and work. A wet napkin on your face doesn’t magically make all your problems go away.
Virgo, August 23rd – September 22nd:
A pet doesn’t solve all of your problems. Nor does eating comfort food. Face your problems head on or they’ll keep rearing their head.
Libra, September 23rd – October 22nd:
Don’t keep driving till you see the engine light turn on. Pull off when you see the rest stop.
Scorpio, October 23rd – November 21st:
Yes, the dark circles under your eyes do add to your aesthetic but they subtract from your health.
Sagittarius, November 22nd – December 21st:
If you know you’re about to do something that is going to upset you, maybe set up some precautions so you’re in a safe space while doing so instead of jumping in the deep end.
Capricorn, December 22nd – January 19th:
Going into the colder season, try to take care of your health. Eat some more fruits, nuts, maybe a cream yogurt and take up dancing! Also, don’t answer that passive aggressive text from your mom, the ensuing argument would benefit no one.
Aquarius, January 20th – February 18th:
If you make one more joke about it being fall and your grades “falling” with it, someone will personally drop kick you across Tucci Stadium.
Pisces, February 19th – March 20th:
Taking naps during your class doesn’t mean you’ll absorb the education through osmosis. Go to class.