Aries (March 21st – April 19th): Twitter
You really just love to hear yourself talk, but at least you are tweeting it and not bothering the people around you. And I bet all your followers deeply care about your opinion on the 2022 Lollapalooza lineup.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th): Venmo
Without a doubt, the second after you use your debit card for a group dinner you are already requesting everyone for money. You even factor in the transfer fee and request an extra 25 cents. Everyone needs an annoying friend and congratulations, it’s you.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th): Yelp
Yes, we all care about how you felt about the Mexican restaurant you ate at last night. Your opinion on that new coffee shop in your neighborhood is so valued. Here’s a review for you: this horoscope is sarcastic.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd): Snapchat
You were the kind of person who posted everything on their Snapchat story in middle school, so it’s pretty impressive that you are still doing that. But now you also post your memories on your story too. Everyone obviously cares about that concert two years ago or what you ate at Saga today.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd): Just the “Camera” app
You have not opened a social media app in years. All you do is just scroll through the endless photos of yourself and all the really awesome and cool things you do. Everyone would think you are so mysterious, if only you didn’t show everyone you meet your lock screen, of yourself.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd): Letterboxd
Guess what? You are not the only person on the app and it is not that underground. So please stop putting a screenshot of your Letterboxd profile in your Instagram photo dump. It is not niche. There are over 3 million users on the platform.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd): Youtube
Just so you know, the website for Youtube works just fine. An app really is not necessary but at least you can login and have your suggested videos be catered to you. And since you have the app, start uploading videos. Get your bag and in your influencer era.
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st): Instagram
How many times did you rearrange the photos in your last photo dump? Do you think not having a caption makes you seem secure? Even your story seems incredibly curated. Everyone following you is counting down the days until you are fresh out of your spring break photos. We collectively are all over them.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st): YikYak
This app is old and mean, which kind of describes you perfectly. Just because you are anonymously talking bad about people on your college campus does not make you cool. Using this app is still kind of embarrassing. It is barely one step ahead of Ask.fm, do better.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th): TikTok
Congratulations, you are grabbing everyone’s attention, but are you really that interesting? This app is changing social media but it is still pretty mean spirited. So many people have gained their platforms by being hateful towards other creators. You make people rich, but also miserable, so this does not feel like a win.
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th): Pinterest
You are interesting and cool. The most laid back app but also the most fun, just like you. No one has anything bad to say about you other than the fact you make everyone feel bad about themselves. Setting unattainable goals is uncool, but that probably almost means nothing to you.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th): Facebook
Is Facebook the most updated and current social media? No. But you are consistent and full of nostalgia. Nothing can replace the way it felt to log onto Facebook as a 12 year old without your parents permission and updating your status.